Let's Talk Butthole Maintenance

Men and women alike should take better care of the area 2 feet below that block we call a head

Courtesy of nicktonyous | Creative Commons

Recently I went through some things. Some very non-pleasant things relating to the health of my often overlooked butthole. While we’ve heard about the importance of prostate care for men and getting your colon checked in the fight against colon cancer, the latter has been getting attention to the recent deaths of popular people who died within a year of diagnosis.

Prostate and colon care are being recognized as important aspects of preventative healthcare in our lives. Going in for regular colonoscopies to check things out is simply a part of life. Doctors generally recommend that people start getting screened around 45 years old. However, people who are at higher risk, such as Black people, should start sooner around the age of 40.

“The occurrence of colorectal cancer (CRC) shows a large disparity among recognized races and ethnicities in the U.S., with Black Americans demonstrating the highest incidence and mortality from this disease,”

National Institute of Health

For the “bros” out there, there’s no shame in getting a colonoscopy. There’s nothing to it. Well, the prep absolutely SUCKS, but the procedure is super easy. You go into a room that looks like an operating room, you get knocked out, you wake up in recovery, and you go home in about an hour. You won’t even feel like you’ve been violated. Easy peasy.

Also, knowing things are good is nice. All doubt about the potential to die relatively fast from a sometimes terminal illness (when not caught early) is a huge sigh of relief. Recently, my wife’s aunt died from colon cancer less than a year after being diagnosed. This is why getting checked out is so important. Especially for my Black brothers and sisters. Y’all are at a much greater risk.

“Colorectal cancer is a disease in which cells in the colon or rectum grow out of control. Sometimes it is called colon cancer, for short. The colon is the large intestine or large bowel. The rectum is the passageway that connects the colon to the anus”

Centers for Disease Control (CDC)

Now is a good time to clarify something. When I say “butthole maintenance,” I mean it in the way the CDC defines the large bowel, the colon, and the rectum area along with the prostate for men. Yes, I’m talking about the poop chute, the a**hole, the bunghole, the place where diarrhea cha, cha, cha comes from. Gross right? Not really. You ate the stuff that comes out, soooo…

Just kidding.

But seriously, we’re talking about a simple procedure that could save your life. Look at the bright side, you’ll get one mean-ass nap out of the deal. Waking up made me feel well-rested. Turns out, chemically induced naps at the hospital are some of the best naps ever. Also, who are you trying to impress by not doing it? This is your life in your hands. Take control

My Horror

As mentioned earlier, I recently had a colon-related incident too. However, it had nothing to do with the above. Several years ago I developed a hemorrhoid (or two). They were small. Doc said to eat a high-fiber diet and they may or may not go away. They didn’t. Next was a high-fiber diet, some anti-inflammatory cream, and some pills. They made them get bigger which led me to a place I never thought I’d go. Scheduling a hemorrhoidectomy.

Yeah, I laughed at the name too.

The whole time during the process leading right up to the event, all the doctors and nurses kept saying, “It’s a simple procedure, nothing to worry about,” which I appreciated. The amount of pain one must endure after the surgery was barely mentioned in comparison to the “simple procedure” comments. One of the preop nurses said it was gonna suck while another agreed. I had no idea and unless they had been through it, the nurses didn’t either.

OH. MY. GOD.

There was a considerable amount of pain leaving the hospital which I knew only meant the pain was going to skyrocket once the meds started wearing off. If you have this procedure done, my surgeon said that leaving open wounds versus closed (stitched) wounds is about 50/50 and it often depends on the surgeon. Guess which 50 I got. Yep. The open ones.

The brutality of the pain peaked on the second day after the surgery and stayed there for about 5 more days. The painkillers I was given were insufficient by a long shot. I tried to get something stronger and was ignored (I assume that was thanks to the “opioid crisis”). So I had to endure it and I did so with lots of hot showers. They suggested baths, but my back issues prevent me from that. So hot water on the hole was my savior. That help with pain more than anything.

Now, two weeks later, my refurbished butthole is almost completely healed and I’m happy to report that the poop chute is functioning well. The open wounds healed so much better than you would consider the location. But keeping them clean is relatively easy if you have a detachable nozzle in your shower. I use one for my undercarriage in my regular showers, so it was no biggie.

Take my advice, especially you youngsters, do what you must to prevent hemorrhoids. They may not seem like much at first, but if it takes a turn for the worse, your setting yourself up for something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy. Trust me. Avoid it at all costs and remember to get your sphincter maintenance scheduled if you’re 40-45 years old. That includes you, ladies.

Preventing a Whole Different Kind of ‘Roid Rage

The Mayo Clinic offers some tips to avoid hemorrhoids:

Eat high-fiber foods. Eat more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Doing so softens the stool and increases its bulk, which will help you avoid the straining that can cause hemorrhoids. Add fiber to your diet slowly to avoid problems with gas.

• Drink plenty of fluids. Drink six to eight glasses of water and other liquids (not alcohol) each day to help keep stools soft.

• Consider fiber supplements. Most people don't get enough of the recommended amount of fiber — 20 to 30 grams a day — in their diet. Studies have shown that over-the-counter fiber supplements, such as psyllium (Metamucil) or methylcellulose (Citrucel), improve overall symptoms and bleeding from hemorrhoids.
  If you use fiber supplements, be sure to drink at least eight glasses of water or other fluids every day. Otherwise, the supplements can cause or worsen constipation.

• Don't strain. Straining and holding your breath when trying to pass a stool creates greater pressure in the veins in the lower rectum.

• Go as soon as you feel the urge. If you wait to pass a bowel movement and the urge goes away, your stool could dry out and be harder to pass.

• Exercise. Stay active to help prevent constipation and to reduce pressure on veins, which can occur with long periods of standing or sitting. Exercise can also help you lose excess weight that might be contributing to your hemorrhoids.

• Avoid long periods of sitting. Sitting too long, particularly on the toilet, can increase the pressure on the veins in the anus.

Everybody's Got Jokes

Since most of my family and friends know about the surgery, I decided I might as well share it with y’all. Besides, I’m one of those “don’t give a damn what people say about me” Gen X’ers. Trust me when I say that the butthole jokes have been aplenty. I’ve probably heard/told them all.

In fact, this one is why I call my butthole a refurb:

Me: *farts*
Wife: *laughs pretty hard*
Wife: “your new butthole is funny”
Me: “new butthole, hahahaha”
Me: “but it’s not new. If anything, it’s a refurb”
Wife: “hahahahahaha”

Feel free to cut loose in the comments with your own butthole jokes. I wanna hear what you got. Then, schedule getting your butthole checked as soon as possible. I don’t want y’all to die.

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Arturo is a writer, journalist, and publisher of The Antagonist Magazine and a regular contributor at Latino Rebels and Unicorn Riot. You can find him on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.